Maybe you lose. Maybe you learn.

A lovely saying.

One of those lines you read, pause for a moment, and think: Yeah, that's true.

And then you carry on, until life eventually presents you with a situation in which you have neither won nor learned very much.

Except perhaps that life can occasionally be a real asshole.

But I still like this saying.

Not because it's always true.

But because there's something in it that I think we could use much more often.

A different perspective on failure.

We live in a society where we're constantly encouraged to try things.

Step outside your comfort zone.

Take risks.

Dare to do it.

Just do it.

But heaven forbid it doesn't work.

Then suddenly the questions start.

“Why did you do that?”

“It was obvious that wouldn't work.”

“Couldn't you have thought that through beforehand?”

Oh, I see.

So we're supposed to be brave, take risks, and try new things.

But only if we can guarantee beforehand that they'll work.

Interesting concept.

What I find particularly fascinating is how quickly people know, in hindsight, what someone should have done differently.

Beforehand, the future was still uncertain.

Afterwards, of course, everything was obvious.

And sometimes we don't just do that to other people.

We do it especially to ourselves.

Imagine starting a business.

You research, plan, and invest time, money, and energy.

You believe in your idea.

You give it a try.

And in the end, it doesn't work.

Does that mean it was a bad decision?

Maybe.

But maybe not.

Maybe the idea was good, but the timing was wrong.

Maybe the idea was bad, but along the way you developed skills you hadn't even known you'd need.

Maybe you met people who would later change your life.

Or maybe you really did just lose money.

That happens too.

Not every story needs a hidden treasure at the end.

And conversely, success doesn't automatically mean we did everything right.

Some people make bad decisions and get lucky.

Others make well-considered decisions and have bad luck.

Still, we like to treat the first group as geniuses and the others as people who should have known better.

In doing so, we forget something crucial:

Most of the time, we only know the outcome.

Not all the circumstances.

Not all the considerations.

Not all the alternatives.

And certainly not the future these people faced at the time they made their decision.

Back to our lovely saying.

“Either you win or you learn.”

As much as I like it, there's one thing about it that bothers me.

Sometimes it sounds as if we have to turn every defeat into some kind of personal growth milestone straight away.

Relationship falls apart?

Important lesson.

Business fails?

Valuable experience.

Lose your job?

New opportunity.

Maybe.

But maybe all you want right now is to feel disappointed.

Maybe you're angry.

Maybe you don't understand why something didn't work.

And maybe you have no desire right now to turn it into a beautiful story about personal growth.

You don't have to.

We've grown used to wanting to make even our defeats as productive as possible.

As if a bad experience were only allowed to exist if we could get something useful out of it afterwards.

Sometimes we lose.

Period.

And I think we're allowed to acknowledge that.

I've made decisions myself that later left me thinking:

Maybe I could have spared myself that.

Invested time.

Put in energy.

Started things that didn't work out the way I'd imagined.

And of course, sometimes it would have been easier not to try at all.

No disappointment.

No risk.

No failure.

But no experience either.

No chance to be surprised.

No opportunity to find out whether something might actually have come of an idea.

And above all, no answer to the question:

I don't think we should take every risk.

I also don't think courage means ignoring every warning sign and blindly running into the next wall.

It's okay to think things through.

It's okay to have doubts.

It's okay to take precautions.

And it's okay to decide not to do something.

But I think it's a shame when we don't try things solely because we're afraid of what other people might think about our possible failure.

Because then we're no longer making decisions based only on our own wishes, options, and convictions.

We're also basing them on the judgments of people who may not even have to live with the consequences of our decisions.

What if we didn't measure success solely by whether things turn out the way we imagined?

What if we could also recognize that someone tried something even though the outcome was uncertain?

That someone changed their mind because new information came to light?

That someone stopped, even after fighting for something for years?

Or that someone started over after a defeat?

Not every one of these decisions leads to success.

Not every one makes us stronger.

And not every one will make sense someday.

But maybe they don't have to.

Maybe part of life is making decisions without knowing in advance whether they'll be the right ones.

Hoping without any guarantees.

Trying something even though we might fail.

And sometimes discovering that we were wrong.

Then maybe you lose.

Maybe it hurts.

Maybe you regret your decision.

Maybe you need time.

And maybe one day you'll look back on the whole thing and realize something you hadn't been aware of before.

Maybe you'll learn from it.

Maybe something new will come of it.

But maybe not.

That's why I'd change the original saying a little.

Not:

“Either you win or you learn.”

But:

I know.

Much less suitable for a motivational poster.

But maybe a little more honest.

And somehow I find the thought even nicer.

Because it doesn't promise us that everything will turn out fine in the end.

It simply reminds us that a defeat doesn't necessarily have to be the end of a story.

We may not yet know what meaning we'll eventually be able to give it.

And maybe that's reason enough to try anyway.