We adapt, hold back our opinions, and change to fit in. But where does healthy consideration end and self-denial begin?
Benjamin Trinidad Segura
4 min read
A chili pepper is hot.
Some people love it for that. Others can’t stand it.
And no one would think of accusing a chili pepper of not being sweet enough.
People seem to be different.
We adapt. Change the way we express ourselves, hold back our opinions, suppress certain traits, and try to figure out which version of ourselves others might like best.
Not necessarily because we want to be dishonest.
But because we want to belong.
Because rejection feels unpleasant.
Because we want to be liked.
And because sometimes it seems easier to hold something back than to risk someone disliking that very part of us.
Adapting is part of living with other people.
We can’t always say everything we think. We have to be considerate, make compromises, and occasionally question our own behavior.
That doesn’t automatically mean denying who we are.
On the contrary: The ability to adapt to other people can be an expression of empathy, respect, and personal maturity.
But there’s a line somewhere.
Between consideration and self-abandonment.
Between compromise and trying to become someone else.
Between personal growth and the belief that who we are is fundamentally not enough.
And sometimes we only realize very late that we crossed that line long ago.
Perhaps because at some point we can no longer tell which decisions we make because we believe in them and which we make out of fear of rejection.
We tend to interpret other people’s reactions as judgments of who we are.
When someone doesn’t like us, we wonder why.
Was I too direct?
Too loud?
Too quiet?
Too emotional?
Too weird?
Should I have acted differently?
In doing so, we overlook something crucial:
Not every incompatibility between people is a personal failing.
Sometimes people simply aren’t right for each other.
Their expectations differ. Their interests, values, ideas about closeness, or ways of communicating.
And sometimes there isn’t even a specific reason.
That doesn’t mean either of them is wrong.
You can be a good person and still not be the right person for someone.
Likewise, someone else can be a good person and still not be right for you.
However, it would be too easy to conclude from this that we should never change anything about ourselves.
Not every criticism is an attack on our personality.
Not every rejection happens because other people don’t understand us.
And not every trait deserves to be defended unconditionally.
People who hurt others can’t simply justify it by saying, “That’s just who I am.”
Ignoring other people’s needs all the time doesn’t automatically make you authentic.
And those who reject all forms of self-reflection may be confusing self-acceptance with stagnation.
Maybe this is exactly where the crucial difference lies:
It’s not about declaring every trait unchangeable.
It’s about understanding why we change.
Because we believe in it?
Because we’ve come to understand something?
Out of consideration?
Or solely out of fear that we won’t be accepted otherwise?
Maybe we just need to accept that not everyone can relate to our personality.
That sometimes we’re misunderstood.
That some people like us and others don’t.
And that we don’t get along with everyone either.
That isn’t failure.
It’s part of human relationships.
Because a connection that only works as long as we hide essential parts of our personality eventually raises an uncomfortable question:
Does this person actually like me—or the version of me I created for them?
Perhaps personal growth doesn’t always mean becoming someone else.
Sometimes it means finding out again who we really want to be.
And finding the courage to stay true to that person, even when not everyone can relate.
You don’t have to please everyone.
You don’t have to be interesting, likable, understandable, or a good fit for everyone.
You’re allowed to make mistakes, learn, and change.
But perhaps every now and then you should ask yourself:
Am I becoming someone I want to be?
Or someone I think other people would like more?
Because an entire lifetime can lie between these two paths of change.
Discussion
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