We try to meet expectations that contradict each other. Perhaps the problem isn't that we're losing the game. It's that we think we have to win it at all.
Benjamin Trinidad Segura
4 min read
Some people will criticize you for working too much.
Others will criticize you for working too little.
Some will accuse you of wasting your time, while others will think you aren't enjoying life enough.
If you express your opinion, you will find people who disagree with you.
If you stay silent, others will accuse you of not taking a stand.
If you try something new, you risk failing.
If you don't try anything, you risk eventually regretting never having tried.
And somewhere in between, we try to make decisions that as many people as possible will agree with.
But is that even possible?
Interestingly, other people don't even have to criticize us personally for their judgment to influence our decisions.
Sometimes, just imagining what they might think is enough.
We wonder whether we should publish something.
Whether we really want to pursue this career.
Whether we should start a business.
Whether we're allowed to make an unusual decision.
And before we've even acted, there are already people in our heads commenting on our decision.
Some of them we know.
Others we've never even met.
And yet we give them a voice.
Sometimes even a louder one than our own.
But why should people get to have a say in our decisions when we alone have to bear the consequences?
It would be easy to conclude from this that we should simply not care what other people think.
I think that would be a mistake.
Because other perspectives can be valuable.
People can notice things we miss. They can question our beliefs, point out our mistakes, or help us make better decisions.
That doesn't mean every uncomfortable opinion is automatically a bad one.
And not every approval is automatically good.
Perhaps the real challenge is learning to tell the difference.
Between people who want to understand us and people who merely judge us.
Between criticism that can help us grow and criticism that merely expresses someone's personal ideas about how another person should live.
And between a valid objection and an expectation we never had to meet.
Perhaps the paradox of our desire for recognition is that sometimes we lose sight of ourselves in the process.
We want to be seen as successful.
As sensible.
As likable.
As responsible.
As ambitious, but not arrogant.
As confident, but not conceited.
As independent, but not selfish.
We're supposed to be brave, as long as we don't make mistakes.
We're supposed to pursue our dreams, as long as they remain socially acceptable.
And we're supposed to be authentic, as long as our authenticity doesn't make anyone uncomfortable.
In doing so, we may be overlooking something crucial:
We cannot meet everyone else's expectations and still expect to remain true to our own ideas.
Not because other people are fundamentally wrong.
But because different people have different ideas of what a good life looks like.
And sometimes these ideas contradict each other.
What if we stopped judging every decision by how other people might react to it?
Not out of defiance.
Not out of indifference.
And not out of the conviction that we're always right.
But because we accept that approval is not a reliable measure of whether our decisions are right.
Someone can criticize us even when we've done the right thing.
Someone else can applaud us even when we're making a mistake.
So the reactions of those around us don't necessarily tell us whether we're on the right path.
Perhaps we should ask ourselves different questions more often.
Why do I want to make this decision?
What consequences am I willing to bear?
Does this align with my values?
Am I willing to change my mind if I learn something new?
And would I make the same decision if no one ever found out?
Because perhaps a self-directed life doesn't begin when we stop caring what other people think.
But when we learn to put their opinions in perspective.
Perhaps people will never fully understand your decisions.
Perhaps some will criticize them.
Others will admire them.
Still others won't care about them at all.
And sometimes people will change their opinion of you even though you haven't changed a thing.
All of this is part of living together.
After all, we judge other people too. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. And certainly not always fairly.
So this isn't about placing ourselves above other people's opinions.
It's about not automatically giving them more weight than our own convictions.
We can listen, question, and learn.
We can make mistakes and correct our decisions.
And we can follow our own path, even if others would have chosen a different one.
Perhaps you don't have to play a game you can't win in the first place.
Discussion
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